Crippling loneliness. The feeling of never being good enough whether it’s in a relationship, friendship, or business. Constantly thinking: what are you doing with your life, where are you going, why have I not reached my goals yet, what even are your goals anymore, should you get a new hobby, is there any meaning to your life, are you even making a difference, does what you do matter? The high expectations you imagine other people put on you to succeed, the even more unrealistic expectations of yourself that are so damaging. The inability to have self control because you binge on anything to take your mind away from feeling alone. The e m p t i n e s s you can feel deep into your mental and even physical being. Hitting snooze for hours because it’s so nice to escape in your dreams, the inability to get out of bed some days...is it even worth it to deal with this anymore? Can it all just be over now...
Anxiety. Depression. These thoughts are a very real insight into these mental illnesses. Thoughts I've had. Thoughts I do sometimes have. These mental illnesses are a very real part of me.
Wow that sounded depressing... not all days are like that for me. Or maybe I’ve become so used to the racing thoughts in my head and am so used to trying to defeat them. Most days aren’t so low. But, some days one incidence can cut me deep and trigger all of these feelings of inadequacy and sadness. Anxiety and depression are different, yet they are so intertwined. Depression I don’t always deal with, but anxiety I experience each day. It honestly does even get in the way of handling my business better. Sometimes I’m too anxious to read and respond to emails, or to even look at an order. The very thought of going to the post office and having a deadline is sometimes crippling. (I sound terrible plz don’t let this get in the way of you ordering from me loooool). But I can’t give up on myself. I continue to try and progress Bonfire Heart because not only do I love creating unique pieces of art, I need to push myself to see what I can accomplish. I need to prove that anxiety and depression do not control me and they are not who I am; they are simply a small part of me.I will not allow anxiety or depression to control my actions (not easy let me tell you).
I just wanted to share something real, something raw, and something that many, many of you may struggle with. Even though we may all feel so alone sometimes, we are never alone. Remember you’re not alone when you can’t crawl out of bed because you have no more hope for your life, or when you’re crying in the shower and running up your water bill (sorry roomies), or when you’re lashing out at your loved ones because you just can’t take it anymore.
I’m not a therapist, but I have experienced the same things you may have too. I just want to let you know that what helps me cope is to get outside. It’s the only place I feel truly at peace and content with myself. Unplug and enjoy the simplicity of Mother Nature. I couldn’t be any happier that Utah finally decided it’s Spring! And am looking forward to conquering this shit one day, one hike at a time, because I can and I will.
You can catch me outside....how bout dat.